I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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