you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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