your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
