In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
