I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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