You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
