If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
