she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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