reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
