Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
