a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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