They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
where does the pee come out of this thing
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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