Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
