Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
