i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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