Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize