Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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