hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
