what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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