i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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