wanna go halves on a baby?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
