He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
