You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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