Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
