You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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