I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
