dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
