I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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