I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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