WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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