wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
