The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
