i already hear my dad disowning me
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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