Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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