he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
