Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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