I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
this hospital has no fireball
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
