if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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