Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
