It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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