Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
