3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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