dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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