can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
