i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
