I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
