I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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