I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
