Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
