i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
