so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
