My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
