He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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