She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
