4 words: hood of his car
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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