I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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