Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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