Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
