she looked like the before picture.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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