I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
