i don't like sucking hair
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
