I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
