he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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